Growing up, we are often lauded by our parents and friends for the feats that we accomplish. As a high-schooler, my situation was no different—I was a competitive athlete and student, and with every success came encouragement and affection from my parents. And while I am grateful for this support, I’ve also come to realize the importance of keeping these accomplishments in perspective.
I mention this because I began to notice that the outcomes of my activities were influencing how I felt about myself. When you receive extra attention or affection when you do well, it’s easy to see how success becoming very important to you. Gradually, my successes began to form part of my identity–who I saw myself as– and, in general, a relationship began to form between outcomes and my feelings about myself. Though after a success I would feel confident and joyful, when I felt that I “failed,” my self-esteem would fall, leaving me feeling unworthy.
The harmfulness of this attitude became illuminated when I decided to quit my college tennis team. Despite loving the game of tennis, after just 4 months of playing for the Brandeis team, I couldn’t take any more. The behaviors and attitudes I experienced strongly clashed with my personal values; seeking encouragement, I found blame. Seeking understanding, I found judgment. Seeking collaboration, egocentrism. And being in this type of environment had its effect on me: I was anxious and stressed, I felt like an outcast, and I was eating to cope with it all.
The crazy thing is, despite recognizing all these signs and knowing leaving was the right decision, I hesitated because it threatened my identity. After having played tennis my whole life, how could I give it all up? What would happen to me once I left this team? Who would I be? I also worried about disappointing my Dad—would he think that I was unappreciative for all the lessons he’d enrolled me in as a kid? Fortunately, I had the courage to speak up for myself and avoid the temptation to people please by telling my coach I was leaving.
Looking back at this situation now, I can understand much better what was happening. I was allowing my self-esteem to be determined by external factors, believing that it formed my identity. And when I thought this identity was threatened, I tried almost anything to preserve it.
When we do this, we give away our power in a number of ways. We may continue in a direction that isn’t right for us or honor who we are out of fear of “losing our identity.” This means we’ll be ambitious in ways we don’t really care about, which, in my humble opinion, is both a waste and doesn’t allow you to tap into your true potential (imagine what you could do if you were working on projects you truly care about). It also may lead us to focus on outcomes rather than our effort, which research supports to hurt our chances of success.
Though it may be through a different medium, I ask you to ask yourself if you’ve ever felt the same way? Maybe for you it could be the prestige of your job, or your relationship with a significant other, or your body, or how much money you have. Whatever you pride yourself on, be wary of how much value you place it, and what effect it has on you. Because stuff happens, and you don’t want to let that stuff affect how you feel about yourself. What happens when you lose your job? When you gain weight? When you break up? Or go broke? Your self-esteem plummets.
If you feel susceptible to external events strongly influencing how you feel about yourself, I encourage you to explore Mindfulness. Mindfulness meditation and mindfulness practice in general can help you create a separation between your internal dialogue (thoughts) and you, helping you to realize that you are worthy independent of any external event, such as your accomplishments. You may also choose to check out the app Insight Timer, which has an abundance of guided meditations for beginners, and is available on both iPhone and Android.
As a final thought, I want to emphasize that I am not discouraging you from being ambitious. I’m saying two things; first, be sure that you are applying your ambition in the areas you actually care about and, two, you are worthy regardless of what you do–don’t allow your success or “failure” dictate how you feel about yourself.
This is a very insightful post that resonates with me. So much of my life and identity has been influenced by my achievements. If I win a tennis match or ace an exam after practicing and studying hard, my self esteem skyrockets. But as you said, the alternative, a loss or a bad grade, sends my self-worth downward.
Focusing on effort over outcomes is a very interesting point you make. Sometimes results are out of your control too; it seems difficult to accept outside factors impacting your results. Maybe the most you can do to reach a goal is to put the most effort in and let the outcome happen without over stressing or worrying. I will give mindfulness a shot. Need to separate achievements from identity.
Thanks.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Tim! I think a lot of us can relate to how you feel; in fact, a recent survey of millennial showed that 80% said one of their most important life goals was getting rich. When our the size of our bank accounts=how we feel about ourselves, it’s easy to see how we can lose track of what we really care about and feel we must achieve.
–Brandon