Why our Most Difficult Moments Require the Most Self-Care

“It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary. ” – Mandy Hale

When’s the last time you did something simply for the fun of it? If it’s been a while, don’t fret; many of us—myself included—find it surprisingly easy to forgo having fun. With all the responsibilities in our lives, making time for play can feel like a “nice-to-have” but ultimately unnecessary thing.

But reflecting on one of the harder moments in my life, I’ve come to understand that fun has a fundamental role in self-care—having fun keeps us emotionally resilient, playful, and feeling positive. It is in our most challenging moments especially, therefore, when we most need to make time for fun and play.

Play has a restorative quality, and when we allow ourselves to play, we provide ourselves with a reprieve from the stress and fatigue that builds up from tending to all the responsibilities in our lives. Play also helps us foster strong connections with others, and can help promote a sense of belonging. Broadly, then, play is a way in which we take care of ourselves and address our emotional needs.

Piece of cake, right?

Unfortunately, play often gets a bad rap. With U.S. culture constantly focused on growth—and mostly in relation to economic production—taking time to do something with no purpose other than to have fun can be perceived as frivolous or irresponsible.

After graduating college, I found “fun” taking a back seat in my life. My eyes were opening to this narrative of: “It’s a serious world. You must be ‘successful.’ Work hard. Make a lot of money. Oh, and there is no time to waste.”

This attitude resulted in a new sense of heaviness and pressure in my life. I started to view spending time for play with a stigma—given my definition of success, no longer was there a justification for fun. Of course, I’m a person just like you, and still needed and wanted to have fun, but judged myself for it, and felt guilty when I let myself have it.

I completely lost balance in terms of taking care of myself, and I began prioritizing work over my own needs. If I had an opportunity to relax, I’d easily get out of it. See a friend tonight?

“Eh, I have work tomorrow, and I’m pretty tired, and I can’t be anything less than 100% at work” I’d think.

The extent of the harm of forgoing time for play didn’t appear until real challenges entered my life, and this experience helped to illuminate just how essential prioritizing fun and play—and more generally, our well-being—is in our lives.

The fall of 2014-2015 was undoubtedly the hardest period in my life for two main reasons for reasons.

My first reason was due to a stressful and unfulfilling job. Differing greatly in practice than from its description on paper, the job was a mismatch of both my skills and interests. I often worked with difficult colleagues, was under tight deadlines, and given a high volume of work. On exactly two occasions, I had a panic attack.

In addition to a challenging work environment, I also had issues with my roommates. Put simply, I was being bullied. Highly critical of everything I did, there was no avoiding scolding for even the smallest of things. I was the outcast of the four roommates, though, so even when I spoke up for myself I felt belittled, disrespected and unheard.

Spending a lot of your time in a toxic environment is almost a guarantee to lose your spice for life, and my experience was no different. I slowly felt myself becoming less creative and enthusiastic, and quickly forgetting that I had the power to make positive changes in my life.

It was stress and conflict at both home and work, and I felt like I was on living on a lower frequency; the activities that used to give me joy suddenly weren’t making me feel much of anything, and the playfulness that is usually characteristic of me seemed faded. This was the first time in my life I’d ever felt anything close to feeling depressed.

It is difficult for me to think back to this moment in my life; when I do, I am often overwhelmed with sadness and a desire to guide my former self. I see so clearly now that what I needed was to take the pressure off my shoulders, reconnect with self-care, and focus on feeling better—on my internal needs—rather than trying to solve external challenges.

Unfortunately, I wish I could say what I described above is what I did. Instead, amidst all these challenges, I fell prey to a dangerous paradox—in my greatest time of need, I put up the most resistance to taking care of myself and allowing myself the rest, play, help of others, love and self-compassion that I so desperately needed.

The only way to get out of this difficult situation, I thought, was to work tirelessly until it was solved.  I began spending my nights after work looking for jobs. But feeling so desperate in my current one, it felt like a change couldn’t come fast enough, and I soon began searching for hours every night.

Already exhausted from work, however, these searches often weren’t productive, and spending so much time searching meant I had none left to relax and take care of myself.

I did this for a period of time, until I no longer could. I finally realized that rather than “doubling-down” when I wasn’t feeling well, the single best thing I could do for myself was to drop everything and put my needs first.

I focused on socializing with friends after work, eating healthy foods, playing tennis (my favorite sport), and reading positive and inspirational stories. I focused on telling jokes and adopting a playful attitude. I went on mini-adventures around my city.

Little by little, I started to feel better. Replacing all the weight in my life was a new sense of lightness and playfulness. I started to feel that everything was going to be alright.

And when this switch happened, I was ready to address the external challenges in my life. I was able to change both my job and my apartment—learning from both experiences—and never looking back.

The experience also helped illuminate that I was holding onto an unhealthy black-and-white attitude in terms of work and play; in particular, I felt that all my challenges had to be sorted out before I could have fun. Given our complex lives, however, I understand now that there are always going to be challenges.

Perhaps the best thing we can do, therefore, is learn to have fun amidst our struggles. Otherwise, we’re basically guaranteed to never have fun again, become a gigantic ball of stress and anxiety, and, probably, experience spontaneous human combustion.

If you find yourself with many challenges in your life, let that be even more reason to prioritize play and self care. I want to remind you that you are worthy regardless of your external circumstances, and in fact, feeling better is often a pre-requisite for making meaningful change in your life.

So my advice? Go out and have fun.

Get some ice-cream. See a funny movie. Spend time with friends. Exercise. Play board games. Go to a concert. Go hiking. Do whatever it is that you find fun and brings you joy.

Once you’ve addressed your internal needs—and feel better—then you can move on to facing the external challenges.

While my experience sometimes feels like a costly lesson, I am extremely grateful for it. It’s helped me to understand that play and self-care is not something to be ignored or viewed as a selfish action, but rather it is absolutely essential to living our healthiest, most joyful lives.

–Brandon

 

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