The Problem with People Pleasing (and how to assert boundaries)

 

My greatest satisfaction in life comes from helping out another person or group of people in a meaningful way. I used to teach English as a Second Language (ESL) every Sunday in my local library growing up. It was a humbling, warm, really gratifying experience. Understanding that the knowledge and encouragement I was giving to them helped them achieve tangible goals in their lives brought me a real sense of purpose; for one of my students I watched how learning English allowed him to ascend from dish-washer, to waiter, to manager at a restaurant. And that gave him more confidence, allowed him to feel more at home in a foreign country, and set a great example for his little brother. Kudos, dude.

Yet while I am grateful that helping others can be such a strong source of joy in my life, I also recognize that this–like everything else–has limits and downsides. I realize that I am susceptible to ignoring my own needs to please others. In particular, when I focus too much on others–their needs, their goals–I can quickly forget about mine until the joy of helping other abruptly transforms into resentment.

“What the heck. Why are you MAKING me help you? Don’t you know I have other awesome things in my life?” I’d think.

But then I’d go and help out anyway.

I would get easily frustrated with people when they wouldn’t realize they were asking for too much. In fact, I used to think that it was the responsibilities of others to know when I had too much going on. And, granted, for some transcendently emotionally insightful people, they actually are able to tell when I am overwhelmed and back off from asking me a favor, or even better, ask me how I am doing and listen.

[Insert religious figure name here] bless them.

Of course, however, these types of people are few and far between. The more common scenario is that the other person has a ton going on in his/her life and isn’t able to tell that I am about to pop like a balloon. Plus, what I realize now is that it was never their responsibility in the first place. I wouldn’t want someone to expect me to read their mind (or perfectly read their body language), so I won’t expect the same out of others. And when you communicate effectively, you find out 1.) No, people aren’t put on this earth just to make your life hard and 2.) people can be surprisingly understanding.

If you have difficulty recognizing your own boundaries or saying no to others requests, use the below strategies to return to healthy boundary setting and self-care.

Create a habit of checking in with yourself before you say “yes” to a request

It is easy to feel like we need to give a response to a request right away. But the truth is you don’t. The next time that you have a request, practice taking 15 second to take a deep breath and check in with yourself. Ask yourself “How am I feeling? Am I stressed, calm, goofy? What things do I have going on now?” If you know you have many things going on, recognize that it is best for your health and sanity to say no.

Get comfortable saying “no”

Practice a few ways to say no so that you have this prepared for a time when you need to use it. I’d suggest something subtle like “If you ask me again, I’ll kick you in the crotch.” Just kidding. Simple phrases work well like “I am unable to do that” or “I have too many things going on right now.” This Wall Street Journal article suggest that you say “Let me think about it” if a request catches you by surprise. And in terms of tone, think gentle but firm. It’ll make you feel less bad about it if you struggle feeling like you are letting someone down.

Plan self-care activities in advanced

When I was in college my Aunt told me about the concept of a “reverse calendar”–essentially, you schedule all the fun things that you want to do first, and then you take the things that you have to do and fill it in in the spaces between. “What if I fill the whole day with fun stuff and have no room for obligatory tasks?” you say. Who says you can’t? Well, just don’t skip work. Or like a wedding or something. Otherwise, go ham.

When you are consistently doing activities that provide some kind of nourishment to your body–whether that be excitement, relaxation, humor–you’ll find yourself enjoying life more, and paradoxically, more open to others requests.

By practicing self-care, learning to say no, and checking in with yourself before saying yes to requests, you’ll maintain a healthy balance between taking care of yourself and helping others in their times of need. By doing so, you’ll maintain the joy from helping others and prevent this from becoming resentment.