Of all the changes that accompany adulthood, the one that I’ve most struggled with is the sense of loneliness that I’ve felt over the past two years since graduating college. Maybe it reflects my inexperience with the emotion, but I have been surprised to learn what loneliness really feels like; that is, rather than dramatic and acute, it’s been subtle, kind of like an achy muscle. It probably won’t overwhelm you, but you definitely feel it.
Interestingly, and quite ironically, it turns out that I am not alone in the way I am feeling. Many of my friends have also echoed challenges related to socializing, and more broadly finding community, after college. And in a Google search of “Loneliness after college,” I found numerous articles on this topic. Not only that, it seems that even people who have been out of college for a long time, even people with families, often feel lonely as well.
So what is it about adult life that leaves us feeling lonely after college, and in general? In large part, I think it comes down to losing a sense of community. As children, our families, neighborhood, and activities helped to create a sense of belonging and nurturing. In college, despite often moving away from home, we joined a new community of young students pursuing education. I personally was lucky to be a part of the Brandeis community that, in addition to having interesting people, also had strong sense of identity grounded in social justice. It was a place that whose values helped shape my own.
But I am beginning to realize that finding this community in adult life takes quite a bit of effort, and it is developed slowly. In the beginning, you need to get used to a new structure of life. Relative to college, it feels much more siloed. We often all have our own apartments and work at different places, which can translate to little or no interactions with good friends for the majority of our days. And then when we get home, we often feel too tired to make the effort to reach out and spend some time together. And I get it, who has the energy to truly listen after the workday (especially if we are not that thrilled with our jobs)? Most of us, I think, just want to zone out.
Something I’ve also felt is that, even when I do make time for friends, that our interactions feel rushed. With work taking up so much of our lives, we have less time to spend together. What used to be day long hang-outs with intermittent breaks now are often a few hours together. I’ve often felt like I want to open up about more serious topics to friends, but then felt like—given our short amount of time together and the fact it had been a while since seeing this friend—the time wasn’t right to do so.
So, what can you do if you’ve been feeling lonely? I think the answer to it lies in the following quote:
“Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. If they can’t see the real value of you, it’s time for a new start.”
This quote is encouraging you to do one thing: find your people. And be true to yourself about the people you spend time with—do you feel like you can be yourself? Do they accept you for who you are? Do they make you a better person? If not, it may be time to reevaluate who you spend your time with. One metric to consider is if you feel lonely—the number of people you’re with doesn’t matter if you still feel alone when you’re with them. I’d rather one good friend then a bunch of people who don’t really accept me for who I am.
Lately, I’ve been starting to find my people. Every Friday I wake up at 5:45 to join the lovely 200+ people of the November Project to run up hills for 50 minutes. What I love most about this is not actually the exercise itself, but all the values and symbols the group represents. Before each workout we hug 3 strangers and say “thanks for being here.” That is the kind of love and encouragement I want in my life.
If you feel like you haven’t yet found your people, consider trying the following:
1. Pursue your interests and the activities you love
This is leveraging the power of statistics at its finest. Say you go to a cooking class in your local community. Given that you have an interest in cooking in common with others in the class, its also more likely than a person at random that you have other interests in common too. Sites like MeetUp.com, are a great way to find groups related to your interest that are already established. And if there isn’t a group, you can always create one!
2. Start hosting get-togethers that reflect your values
When I moved to Boston, I got tired quickly…basically immediately, by the fact that it seemed like people only socialized in bars. But I’ve seen two good friends of mine show initiative and creativity in creating social events that are totally them—from things like Cupcake Competitions to Board Game Nights, these folks are a good reminder that we can always invite people over ourselves and create the type of socializing we want.
3. Talk about yourself more
Small talk has a function in our lives, but when you are interested in finding like-minded people, you’ve gotta put yourself out there. Start by talking about yourself more—share your interests, tell people what you did this weekend. And don’t try to give them an answer you want them to hear, tell them exactly what you did. If they’re not into it, well they can move along.
Community is right around the corner. If you are feeling lonely, try out some of the above tips and remember that this too shall pass.
–Brandon
Lovely post!