Of all the practices that keep romantic relationships healthy, perhaps the most overlooked is space away from a partner. This may be, in part, because it seems to carry some taboo; similar to how many view therapy, space away from a partner, is often viewed as action that suggests a problem, rather than being seen as a healthy habit. Given that our partner is supposed to be our “better half,”—we think—shouldn’t we want to spend time together as much as we can? In this way, there tends to be feelings of guilt around wanting space from your partner.
If you find yourself feeling this way, don’t worry, you’re not crazy. The idea that you a happy couple should be together all the time is simply unrealistic. I’ve come to learn that your emotional connection with your partner is not purely a function of time, and it is possible to spend more time together and have your emotional connection decline. I always appreciate drnerdlove‘s harsh (but truthful) criticism of the perception of needing to spend all your time together as a couple,
“…spending every waking moment together is seen as proof of just how much you love one another and why you’re so perfect together.
Except… that’s not how people work. You don’t subsume your identity into the collective Matrix that is your union, exchanging your sense of self for a cutesy portmanteau couple-name that even TMZ would gag over. Just because you love somebody doesn’t mean that your need for time to yourself goes away, and wanting time to do your own thing by yourself and with your friends doesn’t mean that your love is any less “real” or “true”. For that matter, spending every single minute of every single day together doesn’t mean that your relationship is wonderful…”
Though we may need varying degrees of them, space and time for ourselves are undoubtedly human necessities. In a Wall Street Journal article titled, “Need Space in a Relationship? Just Don’t Say it that Way,” Dr. Terri Orbuch describes why allowing and taking space helps keep a relationship healthy by saying, “Space gives people time to process thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others. And the time apart gives partners something new to talk about. Space brings excitement and novelty.”
We are each our own unique person, though relationships can make this feel more nuanced and nebulous. When we enter in a relationship, we may begin to view ourselves in terms of a couple, rather than as an individual. This can clash with our need for autonomy, to be seen as our own person with our own interests, personality, talents, and relationships. When we have the space we need, we can continue to honor all of these pieces of ourselves, in turn helping to maintain a sense of independence and individuality.
At an early point in our relationship, my partner and I fell into the trap of spending too much time together. We were spending the majority time after work together, on weekends, and texting often in between. I felt like I had no time when I when I could just check-in with myself or see other people. I started assuming my partner and I would see each other on the weekend, so I stopped initiating plans with my friends. At the same time, there were many other elements I was dissatisfied with and needed my attention.
As I would come to learn, wanting space came with its own host of complex emotions. First off, I felt guilty for wanting space. But I also couldn’t ignore the feelings of resentment and irritation that were growing when I saw my girlfriend, and I found myself snapping at her for no apparent reason. And from my partner’s perspective, emotions were also complex. How should she interpret my request for space? Did this mean that I was pulling away from her emotionally? Additionally, she knew she that she, too, needed space, but felt she couldn’t ask for it, and also found herself practicing some counter-productive habits in relation to maintaining independence in a realtionship.
This was not our best moment, for sure ; )
Today, things are much different. I’d say we’ve become space all-stars, and texts saying “I need to work on some stuff tonight, so I’m not going to stay over,” (and other boundary-asserting texts) have become the norm. How did we turn it around to make our relationship stronger (and keep ourselves sane)?
- We normalized space. We had a conversation about why space is important, how much we both prefer, and things that get in the way. Once we explicitly told each other that taking space for ourselves allows us to be healthier, renews our excitement for seeing each other, doesn’t mean that we don’t care about each other nor is a punishment, we had a solid understanding of what it meant when the other asked for space, leaving no ambiguity about how to interpret it (i.e. not freak out).
- We made weekly plans for quality time together. Perhaps one of the worst elements of smothering one another is that, despite spending all this time together, you don’t feel connected. To do so, you need to spend quality time together—undistracted, personal, fun time together. Go out to dinner together and just talk. Go on a long walk together. Play your favorite board games. Above everything, this is a time for you two to catch up on what is going on in your lives.
- We familiarized ourselves with the signs. In order to make asking for space an effective practice, you need to know the physical and emotional signs that your need for space isn’t being met. Here are some common feelings that arise when your need for space isn’t addressed:
- You feel irritated with your partner for no particular reason
- You feel reluctant to communicate with your partner, and generally communicate less, such as sending short, matter-of-fact messages
- You haven’t been pursuing your hobbies or interests
- It feels like a long time since you’ve socialized with friends
- We didn’t go overboard. Once you and your partner become more comfortable asking for and allowing space, be sure not to create too much space. If you go from seeing someone every day to 2 hours a week, that’s likely too much space and not going to help your relationship. My partner and I decided to approach asking for space organically; simply communicating it with each other when we felt some of the physical signs.
When it comes to asking for space in your relationship, small actions can have a resounding effect. If you and your partner are having trouble setting boundaries with one another, I encourage you both to explore your own needs for space, and communicate effectively with your partner.
I’d love to hear how it goes, feel free to leave a comment and share your experience!
-Brandon
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