I’ll admit it. I can be a perfectionist.
It’s true, there is no better feeling to me than when I feel like I’ve attained what I consider to be perfect work (whatever that means). In these moments I feel—much to my chagrin admitting it—a sense of superiority and pride. I feel impervious to any kind of criticism and a deep satisfaction for what I’ve accomplished.
Of course, however, I’m fooling myself. “Perfection” doesn’t exist in any real sense. It is a hazy, vague, abstract concept—the world is much too subjective to possibly have a universally accepted idea of perfection. Much more often it is used to describe a hypothetical, ideal situation or used as a thought experiment. You know, like “In a perfect world, eating Taco Bell wouldn’t give me life-threatening diarrhea.” (We can all dream, can’t we?)
Apart from being immeasurable and undefined—or perhaps to some extent because of it—a perfectionist attitude also turns out to be harmful to our well-being in many meaningful ways. Chad A. Buck, Ph.D, describes some of its effects, saying:
“Perfectionists tend to judge themselves constantly and experience anticipatory anxiety around making mistakes for fear of falling short of self-imposed standards. The intensity of the judgment can result in various negative outcomes, such as confusion and indecisiveness, irritability, lack of focus, low mood, social anxiety, and panic.”
I’ve experienced these effects first hand. I’ve waded in stress and anxiety to perform exceptionally academically, to look a certain way, to be a competitive athlete. Trying to be perfect quickly becomes unhealthy both physically and emotionally. It’s no surprise to me that “…perfectionism has been found to correlate strongly with anger problems, shyness, depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse.” Under so much pressure, something’s gotta give.
All of this is—how do I say?—not very promising.
Yet, despite being aware of this, many of us still often struggle to let go of perfectionistic tendencies. In large part, it’s because the rewards of perfectionistic behavior are real (though mostly external). “[Perfectionism] often leads to high praise from peers, higher social status, and higher position in life,” Buck states. Given that I hold exceptionally high standards for myself (and others), I’m motivated to achieve what I’ve set out to do, and as a result, I’m often viewed as a smart, successful person. Put simply, this feels good.
With these rewards in mind, it’s also easy to begin thinking that maybe I’ll just use this perfectionist attitude in certain contexts, and forgo it in others. Isn’t it true that certain areas of my life are actually helped by adopting this attitude? When I’m at work, I’ll turn it on. With my partner, I’ll turn it off. Exercise? On. Listening to a friend? Off. It sounds great in theory, but in my experience, it’s proven difficult to do. More often than not perfectionist attitudes pervade the areas of our lives we hope it won’t—like our relationships—and these in turn are harmed.
Interestingly, though there are very attractive external rewards to perfectionism, I’m convinced that most people are drawn to because it makes us feel safe. Perfectionism offers a sense of security from some of our biggest vulnerabilities. Fears like doubting our ability, trusting others, and losing independence. Think about it. Doubt your ability? Produce work so good that no one can criticize it. Have trouble trusting others? Pretend to have everything together so you don’t need to. Fear having others effect your decisions? Cut them all out by being 100% independent.
What we don’t realize, however, is that all of these beliefs we may hold deep within us aren’t true. And not only are they counterproductive to our happiness, they block our opportunities for exponential, unbearable feelings of joy. When I think about my happiest memories, rarely are they ever when I felt completely certain or comfortable. Rather, my happiest moments are when I felt slightly exposed or uncertain, most often with in the presence of someone else.
Let me give you an example.
My senior year of college, I attended an a capella concert of the premier (and only) soul group on campus, fittingly called “Voices of Soul.” This concert had everything I loved: Mariah Carey, John Legend, Amy Winehouse, and other Soul/R+B artists. I was smitten. After seeing the performance I was inspired, and wanted to join the group. The only problem was that I was scared; I had zero prior formal singing experience, and in my mind that meant that I shouldn’t try out.
Luckily, I had been speaking about my interest with a friend who was in the group and she convinced me to at least give it a shot. What’s the worse that could happen? At the very least, I was putting myself out there and exploring something new, and that in itself was valuable. Plus, she said she’d help me practice and would put me through exercises to help me prepare. So we did. Now let me stop and tell you that this experience was challenging–I was putting myself out there and felt really vulnerable. In fact, one of the first times we went to a practice room together, I was literally shaking as I sang (I unfortunately have this on video if you don’t believe me).
But her help gave me the confidence to audition for the group just a few weeks later, and much to my astonishment, not only did I not make I fool of myself, but I got a call-back, and eventually accepted into the group! That semester was one of my happiest–we practiced twice a week and each time I really felt present expressing myself through music, jamming with a group, making new friends, and just being silly. As an extra bonus, that friend who helped me practice eventually became my girlfriend of 2.5 years (and counting).
This experience was born out of a willingness to be vulnerable and imperfect. Though challenging, I encourage you to push yourself to let go of perfectionism. I’ve compiled some tips below to help you along your personal journey:
Realize that our flaws are what make us human. Everyone, everyone makes mistakes, fails, does something irresponsible, overreacts, acts selfishly, and generally messes up. As Brene Brown highlights in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, these flaws are what foster connection because they are truly a ubiquitous human characteristic. When you reach out to someone when feeling down or unsure of yourself, you build a bond with that person, and give them the opportunity for them to do the same in the future.
Understand forgoing perfection doesn’t mean forgoing excellence. I want to be clear that I’m not saying you should forgo pursuing excellence. You can still push yourself to achieve what you want. But the difference, I think, is that you realize that you’re going to make mistakes along the way. And rather than beat yourself up over them, you start to embrace them. You reach out to friends and family when you need support and when you feel vulnerable. And you don’t let fear stop you from doing something that lights up your soul because you are worried about failing.
Enjoy having some pressure off of your shoulders. One of the beautiful things about embracing imperfection is that once you do, you start to have much more fun. Suddenly, all the pressure and expectations you’ve been putting on yourself starts to feel a bit lighter. And when you do this, you create more space to bring joy into your life. And at the end of the day, that’s what we’re all going for.
Letting go of perfectionism isn’t easy. And it’s certainly not going to happen on day 1 or in a linear manner. But keep at it, because it’s worth it. It’s one of the keys to living our most joyful lives.
Until next time!
Brandon
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